Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines... or you can live your life crossing them. Here's what I know. If you're willing to take a chance... the view from the other side... is spectacular. ~Meredith Grey
I made a deal with myself for 2011. It went something like this: "Self, it's time to step outside of your very predictable, well planned and methodical way of thinking and be more spontaneous. Perhaps dare I add..... even be selfish!" (naughty word, even as I type it) So, I purposefully and carefully made a plan to be more spontaneous. Planned spontanaity- a bit of an oxymoron, but I had to start somewhere. I made a list of the lines I wanted to start crossing.
My list has things like "use my passport this year;" "go on two non-family vacations;" and "be silly/laugh every day." Rest assured that as I achieve each goal on the list I update it with the date (clearly still trying to find the balance between OCD and spontaneity). Case in point, in February, I made snow angels in a bathing suit. Doesn't get much more spontaneous than that.
As I shared previously, I ended a relationship early this year. There was a point where I believed he was "the one," though that turned out to not be the case. As the relationship deteriorated, I convinced myself that once this ended, I was done. The dating world held no interest for me. My days of listening to randy men trying to convince me of their affluent lifestyles, were over. I had done the marriage thing, the dating thing, and the long term relationship thing. In every situation there was something that wasn't right. I determined that it was just simpler to not be in a relationship. My time could be spent doting on my grandgirl and shopping myself to death.
So along comes Mr. Gotmyattention. He's the one who snuck into my heart when I wasn't looking. He tricked me with his unconditional friendship and had the audacity to listen to me whine when something hadn't gone my way. He stealthily made me feel safe no matter what the situation, while I confidently explained to others that we were simply friends. No, nothing more. Yes, I'm quite sure. Please! This is the friend to whom I'd given dating advice. I'd double dated with him. Then one day as he shared his list of the perfect woman for him, I thought, "Wait a minute! I do that. And that. And that. How come he doesn't want me??" And that's when I knew he wasn't my friend. He was Mr. Gotmyattention.
Suddenly that whole idea of not being in a relationship was baloney. I had put my boundaries up to keep my heart safe and he worked hard to knock those walls down. When I pointed out an analogy of being happy or safe, he countered that I could have both. Really? What does that look like? And now I know. It looks like praying for our kids when I'm feeling unsure, and a blanket to cover me on the sofa because he knows I'm always cold. It looks like my favorite wine in his refrigerator. It's new windshield wiper blades on my car. It's getting a rental car for me so I can go shopping instead of sitting at the airport all afternoon waiting for my flight. It's his hand on my back.
Our life is spontaneous and my predictable, methodical way of thinking no longer exists. Nor do I feel the need to be cocooned in the safety of my aloneness. I don't have a crystal ball, nor do I know God's plan in this. But this much I know: Dating Mr. Gotmyattention is the most spontaneous thing I've ever done.
And if you're smart enough, you learn from your mistakes. You figure it out. You... you think. You realize that life isn't some elaborate stage play with directions for the actors. Life's a mess. It's... it's chaos personified. ~Serendipity
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